It occurred to me this week, that I might be having “one of those weeks”. Then it also occurred to me that maybe it’s not just this week. Things in general are not exactly the way I would have them.
Then that “little voice” in my head(which really isn’t so little) began to chirp; “What the heck are you doing???” “You should be doing this and you should be doing that.” “Clearly you are a failure.” “Everything is bad.” and the always lovely, “You should be better than you are Kyle.” Then it struck me, “You should be having a really big episode right now!!!”
But I’m not.
I guess what I’m getting at is that my life has been rather “bumpy” of late, but I am handling the “bumps” much differently than I used to. I am not “getting thrown off the horse”, or having a big episode of panic, or having giant mood swings. Even when things shift on me rather quickly.
On Monday at our monthly meditation and drum circle, we had a great group of people show up. It was a really nice energy and the drum circle was truly amazing. I enjoyed it, and was very pleased.
Several hours later, I was in bed, aching all over, especially my stomach, and I was having crazy fever dreams.
When having “fever dreams” there really isn’t a lot you can do. It was these dreams that showed me all the “bad things” that are going on that I should be really freaking out about. To go from such a pleasant evening to a fever and a rather violent virus is a pretty fast turn of unforeseen events.
This turn of events gave me a very clear view and understanding that I am just not the same person that I used to be. I don’t see things the same way anymore. I don’t operate the same way anymore. I don’t instantly react to every little thing that happens anymore. I am not so much controlled by the world and outer circumstances anymore.
And as I sit here typing this blog, there are many pauses. I keep finding myself just looking out at the tree’s, listening to the wind, and I am having a very pleasant day.
I have finally let go of, “I am not going to be okay unless this happens.”
Thus, my career of working with others is growing. It seems that as I grow, so it grows. The water of the river has washed over me and I have become the river, now flowing over others. I don’t need anyone to do anything, or any particular thing to happen in order for me to be okay. Couldn’t begin to tell you how nice that is.
Many blessings to you!