I thought I was crazy.
Yes, I was in a hospital for crazy people, and yet, they were telling me that, “If you think you are crazy, then you aren’t. If you really were crazy, you would be telling us that you are not crazy.”
I get it. I got it. Okay okay then. So what gives?
Bottled up emotions. The stuff that has been stuffed down and not properly dealt with. Who exactly knows the, “proper” way to deal with our emotions anyway?
Finally one day I just gave in. Why not? I said, “Okay here you go!” Then I started speaking what I really thought and how I really felt.
Over a period of a few sessions I let it all out. Everything people had said to me and done to me. All the things that went through my mind that I thought nobody else ever thought.
At first it felt as if I was throwing knives. But nobody flinched. Nobody got up and ran. As a matter of fact, everyone nodded and knew what I was talking about. And there were many of them who had been through very similar situations as me, and some had been through a lot worse.
I know people who have held onto things for a majority of their lives. And it has nearly destroyed them, and I know some who were totally destroyed and are gone now.
It is such a big bad terrible thing to us, that we just stuff it down and it eats away at us from the inside. We need relief from the pain, and so we seek something to ease us. Alcohol, drugs, smoking, food, sex, it could be anything really.
As if the same exact thing hasn’t happened to millions of other people.
That may sound like a harsh thing for me to say and it may be difficult for you to hear, but it is the truth.
Something bad happens to us and we bottle it up inside and then we make it much worse. And we can continually make it worse and it can become our friend, or out excuse.
At this point it is even harder to let it go, because now we won’t have anything special about ourselves. We won’t have an excuse anymore.
I know because I have done it. I still do it now. Things happen and I internalize them and keep them inside because maybe I don’t know how to respond or what to say. Or maybe I don’t want to offend someone or say the wrong thing.
There is a saying that I’ve heard people in twelve-step programs use, and I think it goes for everyone else too; “We are only as sick as the secrets we keep.”
If you are holding on to something, and it may even be something that you don’t typically even think about, you gotta let it out. Get it out. Share it with someone. Get rid of the secrets and see that
You are okay. We are okay. It is okay.
Let it out!