Inner Storms

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kyle_ssi_007It is nice to be able to use someone as an excuse when there is a storm brewing inside of me. I’d much rather blame someone else, instead of placing the blame on myself.

If it is me that is to blame for the storm, then I have to take responsibility for myself. This means I have to do something about it. Inner peace can only come when I am in charge of me. I have to be responsible for my thoughts, my feelings, and my actions.

But in the beginning of my spiritual journey, those inner storms were impossible to calm down. I used to regularly have storms that were so big that all I could do was wait for the storm to calm down and pass on its own.

I never did like the storms. It used to be that when a storm came, I would be useless for days on end. It would feel as if I was being invaded or attacked. Maybe this is why some people believe in the idea of being possessed by an evil spirit, because it pretty much feels like that.

I found out though that there was no evil spirit that was causing the storms, it was me. The way I figured it out for myself was that one day I realized that everywhere I went there was a storm. No matter where I went or what I did, there the storm would be once again.

You could always count on me to bring the storm.

Seeing this for what it was, even though I still didn’t really understand how I was to blame, I at least started keeping my mouth shut. When a storm would come, I would just clamp down. The storm would be there, and the howling winds would scream in my ear things like, “Did you see what he did?” “Did you hear what she said?” and “That lady has a lot of nerve!” and all the stormy feelings would be there too, and it would be just like normal, except for the fact that I now knew better. So I stopped acting out the storms. This was the first step.

The next step was that after I stopped acting out the storms, I began to realize that I really did not want storms inside of me. It was such a drag. No matter what anyone says or does, even if someone is mean or abusive to me, why in the world would I want to have a storm inside of me?

Then the next discovery came. Being responsible for myself, I had to take a look at myself. What I found was that storms of rage and anger are actually caused by insecurity. I was afraid. I felt like I wasn’t up to par. I felt like I should have done better in life, I should’ve been like other people who seemed to have it all together. I felt ashamed of myself, and the way I hid this shame was by creating these storms. During the storms, the number one fact of all facts was, “I am right, and you are wrong!” I was trying to protect my self, make myself feel better about myself, and in the past, I had not been aware of what was going on.

Now I was aware.

So I had to work on how I felt about myself. I still do. The storms come a lot less frequently now, and they don’t last as long either. They are also relatively predictable in my case. But it is incredibly obvious to me now that  when I have a storm it isn’t because of you.

– If there’s a problem everywhere you go, then… you might be the problem
– Stop engaging or acting out the storm. You will still feel the feelings, but don’t act on them.
– Underneath anger is fear. Underneath fear is guilt. Why don’t you like yourself? 
– It is time to work on feeling better about you!

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Russell Swinger says:

You may written this while ago but I’m reading it when I should be. I’m with ya man ; sails still up even through storms of guilt, fear, anger, and doubt.

kyle says:

haha Just wrote this today 🙂 Keep your sails up and do what needs to be done. Keep it simple my brother.